I Thought Everyone Felt This Sad

30 years of depression and anxiety I didn't know was treatable—until I felt happiness for the first time

For most of my life, I thought sadness was just... normal.

I thought everyone walked around with this heavy emptiness in their chest. I thought everyone lay awake at night wondering what the point of any of it was. I thought the background hum of worry and dread was just part of being alive.

I didn't know I was depressed and anxious. I thought I was just... me.

The Weight I Didn't Know I Was Carrying

Looking back now, I can see it clearly. But when you're inside it, when it's been there your entire life, you don't have anything to compare it to.

The sadness wasn't dramatic. It wasn't sobbing or breakdowns (though those happened too). It was quieter. A persistent emptiness. A sense of disconnection from everything. Like watching life happen through a thick pane of glass.

I'd look at other people laughing, connecting, enjoying things, and I couldn't understand how. What were they feeling that I wasn't?

The loneliness was profound. Not just being alone—I was lonely even around people. Especially around people. I wanted connection but didn't know how to reach through the glass.

And underneath it all, the question that wouldn't go away: What's the point of any of this?

Sometimes the thought would come: Maybe it would be easier to just... stop.

Not dramatically. Just... quietly not existing anymore. The thought was there more often than I'd like to admit.

The Anxiety That Never Stopped

If the depression was the weight, the anxiety was the noise.

My mind never shut up. Always worrying. Always preparing for disaster. Always tense, always vigilant.

Even in calm moments—especially in calm moments—my brain would search for something to worry about.

What am I forgetting to do? What task am I neglecting? What problem am I not seeing?

If there was nothing urgent, I'd dig up old problems. Money worries. Family issues. Work stress. Hypothetical disasters that might happen.

Something bad is going to happen. I just don't know what yet.

The physical sensations were constant. Chest tight. Breath shallow. Sometimes I'd realize I'd been holding my breath without knowing it.

My body was always ready for danger that never came.

The Breaking Point

It got worse in my late 20s.

I lost direction. Goals I'd been working toward suddenly felt meaningless. I was wandering through life without knowing where I was going or why.

The depression deepened. The anxiety intensified. The thoughts about not wanting to continue became more frequent, more serious.

That's when I realized: this isn't normal. This isn't how everyone feels.

I was almost 30 years old, and I was just figuring out that I'd been suffering this entire time.

Why I Didn't Take Medication

People suggested antidepressants. Anti-anxiety medication. "It could help," they said.

I researched. I read. And the more I learned, the more I couldn't do it.

The side effects. The weight gain, the sexual dysfunction, the emotional numbing. The way people described feeling "flat"—not happy, just... less sad. Less everything.

The dependency. Once you start, you often can't stop without severe withdrawal. You might need to increase the dose over time. You might need to try multiple medications to find one that works.

And the fundamental problem: they don't fix anything. They just suppress symptoms.

Stop taking them, and everything comes back. Often worse.

That's not healing. That's management. That's chemical suppression of a problem that has a cause.

Therapy? Meditation? I tried. They helped a little. Temporarily. But the depression would come back. The anxiety would return. Because the underlying imbalance was still there.

I needed something that would actually fix the root cause, not just cover it up.

The Real Problem: A Body Out of Balance

When I started working with traditional medicine for my physical symptoms, something unexpected happened with my mental state too.

Traditional Eastern medicine doesn't separate mind and body the way Western medicine does. It doesn't see depression as purely "psychological" or anxiety as purely "mental."

It sees them as symptoms of physical imbalances in your body's energy systems.

The Heart-Mind Connection

In traditional medicine, your "Heart" (not just the physical organ, but the system) houses your mind and spirit. When the Heart system is weak or imbalanced, you can't feel joy, can't connect with others, can't find meaning.

Depression isn't "in your head"—it's a sign that your Heart system isn't functioning properly.

The Liver-Stress Connection

The "Liver" system governs the smooth flow of energy and emotions throughout your body. When it's stuck or tense (from chronic stress, worry, or frustration), everything feels constricted.

That tight chest? The shallow breathing? The constant tension? That's your Liver system clamped down, blocking the free flow of energy.

Anxiety isn't a personality flaw—it's a physical pattern of energy stagnation.

The Spleen-Worry Connection

Your Spleen system (digestion and energy production) is closely tied to worry and overthinking. A weak Spleen generates excess worry. And excess worry weakens the Spleen further.

Remember my digestive issues? That weak Spleen wasn't just affecting my gut—it was feeding my anxiety.

My Pattern

Looking at my case through this lens:

• Weak Spleen → poor energy production → overthinking and worry
• Stuck Liver → energy blocked → chronic tension and anxiety
• Depleted Heart → no nourishment for the spirit → depression and emptiness

These weren't separate problems. They were interconnected physical imbalances creating my mental suffering.

The Solution: Nourish the Heart, Free the Liver, Calm the Mind

The approach was different from what I'd tried before. Instead of suppressing symptoms, we addressed the underlying imbalances.

How It Works

Release the blockage: Bupleurum frees stuck Liver energy, releasing physical and emotional tension

Nourish the Heart: Ziziphus, Longan, Albizzia provide the substances your Heart needs to house your spirit and emotions

Calm the mind: Poria, Polygala quiet excessive worry and overthinking

Support the foundation: Strengthen the Spleen (digestion) so the whole system can maintain balance

What Happened: Feeling Happiness for the First Time

The Realization That Changed Everything

When I first felt that happiness—that light, excited, genuinely good feeling—I was shocked.

This is what other people have been feeling all along?

This is what "normal" feels like?

I'd spent 30 years thinking my baseline was everyone's baseline. That the sadness, the emptiness, the constant worry—that was just what being human felt like.

I was wrong.

I'd been living in a fog of depression and anxiety so thick, I didn't even know it was fog. I thought it was just... air. Reality.

Feeling actual happiness was like seeing color for the first time after living in grayscale.

Why This Worked When Nothing Else Did

Antidepressants suppress symptoms. They chemically alter neurotransmitters to reduce the intensity of feelings. You feel less sad, but also less everything. The imbalance remains.

Therapy addresses thoughts and patterns. Very helpful for processing and coping. But if your Heart system is depleted and your Liver energy is stuck, talking alone won't fix the physical imbalance creating the emotions.

Meditation and mindfulness help you cope. They're valuable tools. But again, if the root imbalance is physical, they're just helping you manage symptoms, not fixing the cause.

Herbal medicine addressed the root imbalance. It nourished the depleted systems, freed the stuck energy, and restored the physical foundation that emotional wellbeing depends on.

Once my Heart had proper nourishment, once my Liver energy could flow freely, once my Spleen was strong—the depression and anxiety resolved naturally.

Not suppressed. Not managed. Resolved.

What Changed

I can feel happiness. Real, genuine, light-in-your-chest happiness. I didn't know this existed.

The worry is quiet. I still think about responsibilities and problems, but it's normal concern, not constant catastrophizing. My mind can rest.

The emptiness is gone. I feel connected to life, to people, to meaning. The glass wall dissolved.

The dark thoughts stopped. Not because I'm forcing them away, but because they're just... not there. I want to be alive.

I can breathe. Literally. My chest isn't tight. I'm not constantly holding tension. My body is at ease.

For 30 years, I thought this sadness and anxiety were just part of who I was. I thought everyone felt this way and just dealt with it better.

I was wrong on both counts.

It wasn't who I was. It was what I was suffering from.

And other people don't feel this way. They feel... happy. Light. At ease. Things I didn't know were possible.

The Simple Truth

Depression and anxiety aren't character flaws. They're not "all in your head." They're not things you just need to "think your way out of."

They're often signs of physical imbalances in your body's energy systems.

When your Heart system is depleted, you can't feel joy. When your Liver energy is stuck, you feel anxious and tense. When your Spleen is weak, you overthink and worry.

You can suppress these symptoms with medication. You can cope with them through therapy and mindfulness. Both have their place.

But you can also address the root imbalances. Nourish the depleted systems. Free the stuck energy. Restore the physical foundation that emotional wellbeing depends on.

When you do that, the depression and anxiety don't need to be managed anymore.

They simply... resolve.

After 30 years of living in the fog, I finally know what it feels like to be happy.

And it turns out, this is what I was supposed to feel all along.

This is the final post in this series exploring how traditional medicine principles combined with AI helped solve health problems modern medicine couldn't. If these stories resonated with you, Temple of Herbs exists to help you find your own path to healing.